top of page

How-To Boyfriend: The Hobosexual

I won't say how many notches I have on my belt, but I can say that you wouldn't be able to count the scumbags on both hands. I've got experience with a**holes and it's time to spill the beans. If you also like skeezy men with patchy mustaches, this blog is for you.

#1 Never trust a guy who spends the night in your apartment every night and never invites you over to "his".

They call these guys "hobosexuals" coined by writer Nakita Nicci, "a hobosexual is a person who dates you with the sole interest of having a place to stay". This guy carries a plastic bag full of clothes, or sometimes doesn't bother to take off the ones he has been wearing for a week straight. Maybe he just likes this outfit? You try to reason. But the drenched cologne will turn you on until the overpowering smell of his body oder takes over.

I thought it was sexy the first time I smelled it, like I may really be in love with this guy if his BO turns me on... until that's all I smelled and, when he left during the day, the smell lingered on my satin pillow cases.

I didn't mind him there all the time - at first, I wanted to be home - I was more comfortable on my couch and I didn't want to leave my cat all night by herself. But then a couple weeks past and he asked me for a key. He said it would make things "easier". How could I give this guy a key? This guy I met at a skatepark under a bridge?

I fell in love with him anyway, must have been some karmic past life joke - more like I didn't feel like I was good enough if I wasn't paying for him in some way. Putting a roof over his head became my worth. Of course I didn't see it like that at the time, I was whole heartedly in love with his Mountain Dew drinking ass.

When I finally realized he was couch surfing I tried to break it off but he had become too comfortable in my white upper class apartment. The break up took seven times over the next four months to make it stick. I blame my fabulous apartment, and the lack of love and respect I had for myself.

So, girls, beware. If he shows up with a black trash bag or doesn't bother to go home to change, don't let him in. He'll become a leach you'll have to burn off and it'll hurt like hell.

bottom of page